CADRE Resources

BABY STEPS

SOLUTIONS FOR COMMON PROBLEMS

DEFUSE RESISTANCE

The principle of force seeks force
Winning by joining
Psychological effects of joining
Joining strategies

REFOCUS THE DISCUSSION OR REFRAME THE ISSUES

Appropriate summarizing
Normalization
Generate an hypothesis to explore
Move the discussion from the past to the future
Perform a relevancy check

DEAL WITH THEIR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

Teflon technique
Empathy/Normalization
Relevancy check
Stop and process

EDUCATE AND BE THE ANGEL OF REALITY

Back to Table of Contents

In section 5 we have used the predictable aspects of disputes to lay out six steps to follow when undertaking a collaborative problem solving process. We are able to provide these steps because disputes have general similarities and human interactions tend to follow predictable patterns.

However, at the same time it is also true that each dispute between people is unique. Problem solving and dispute resolutions are organic processes which exist at the interface of art and science; it's impossible to follow a fixed set of rules to guarantee success.

One of the worst feelings during a problem solving session or a negotiation comes when we are perceiving that we are stuck, or that the process is going badly. What should we do now?

Mediation teacher Jim Melamed has a foolproof formula to follow for how to think about what to do next. Jim recommends that the dispute resolver ask a simple question:

"What is the very BEST thing I could be doing right now to help move this process along?"

By asking this question, we may be able to cut through our frustration and our feelings of stuckness and focus on the practical tasks at hand.

While we ponder this question, we may want to buy ourselves some time. We can always say something like, "I wonder if someone wouldn't mind just summarizing where we are right now", or we can just ask for a short time out for everyone. We can then ponder our next baby step.

We may already be realizing that solving problems rarely goes from "problem" directly to "solution" but instead gets there through a series of baby steps as the parties work through their issues and concerns. The eternal question of a dispute resolver is: what is the next best baby step to take?

In order to make this decision, it is first of all important to step back and take the "lay of the land", considering both our internal state and also how others are responding to the process. What we observe to be occurring will guide our response, and we can then take the next baby step towards resolution and agreement.

When following the principle of baby steps itís helpful to keep in mind that we don't have to get a full, unqualified YES from others in order to proceed. All that is necessary for productive movement to occur is for their response to be more positive than negative. If they "kind of" agree, we can take a baby step in that direction.

If they disagree, we look for an area of agreement that we can move towards. This is sometimes called "moving towards the positive space". Our experience is that there is usually a way to find that positive space, even when the way seems completely blocked.

In the remainder of this section we will discuss common situations that might be preventing the next best positive baby step. We've divided common problems into four categories. For each category, we will introduce a variety of strategies which, depending upon the situation and the timing might be utilized as the next BEST thing to do to help reach agreement.

1. There is overt negativity or resistance.

Defuse the resistance. 

2. The process is becoming unfocused or veering off direction.

3. Other people's emotions are getting in the way. 

Deal with their emotional needs.

4. People do not seem to be understanding certain aspects of the issues or the consequences of a given course of action.

Educate or be an angel of reality.

In communications between people, expressions of overt anger, argumentativeness, nastiness or hostility are some of the most difficult things to deal with. This type of resistance can infuse a whole room with negative, angry energy. The person expressing these emotions is in no mood to listen, negotiate, reason rationally or brainstorm. Unfortunately, it can also elicit an equally strong emotional response from the others involved, which can further derail effective communication. Knowing how to deal with these types of emotional situations is an important skill.

A psychological example

The same thing happens during an argumentative verbal exchange: you perceive yourself being attacked and so you rise to the challenge and "fight back", whether overtly or subtly. A climate of opposition and conflict is created, with the potential for a winner and a loser or a hardening of positions. The parties are fighting each other instead of fighting together against the problem. Consider this hypothetical example at an IEP meeting:

Mother (assertively, bordering on the aggressive): My child is going to need a full time aide. She has ADD and can't focus without 1:1 help, and she also needs the help because other kids pick on her constantly.

Mother: Well, you're going to have to find the money somewhere. My child is on an IEP and in order to meet the goals that are in her IEP, she's going to need that aide. I'm sorry, but that's really your problem, not mine.

Principal: I'm confident that we can meet the goals in her IEP using existing staff, but without changing assignments or assigning a person directly to your daughter.

Mother: I'm telling you she can't succeed without 1:1 help. I know my rights, and I know that you have to provide her all the services she needs in order to meet her IEP goals.

Principal: Yes, and we will meet her IEP goals, but not by providing a 1:1 aide. I will decide how to allocate staff time in my building.

Mother: That's not good enough! I won't have my daughter in a school where she will experience failure and have to endure insults from other children. I'm pulling her out until I can contact the Department of Education and file a formal complaint!

The secret of dealing with resistance is not to fight it, but to join it. How is it possible to join with someone's resistance or hostility, and why would we even want to? Because ultimately it gives us control over the situation, and the chance to return all participants to calmness and clarity.

A few moments of thought can help us realize that fighting back directly is not usually very effective. Think of the last time you were in an argument. Who was right? (Of course, you were.) Did the person arguing with you make you change your mind? (Probably not!).

It's important to understand that joining is not simply giving in. It is rather a process of, from a balanced position, moving to align with the "attacking" energy so that it is possible to begin to change the direction of that energy. A good analogy is to think of a rocket in flight. If you want to change the direction of the rocket, would your choice be to stand in front of it and try to smash it onto a new course, or would you prefer to fly alongside it and gently nudge it to the desired new direction?

Consider now what the principal might have said in the last example:

Mother (assertively, bordering on the aggressive): My child is going to need a full time aide. She has ADD and can't focus without 1:1 help, and she also needs the help because other kids pick on her constantly.

Principal: You're feeling like your daughter is going to need lots of specialized help, both for her academics and in her social skills.

Mother: Right, and she needs that help on a daily basis. I don't want her experiencing failure.

Principal: So our goal is to provide a program for your daughter that will help her get along with others and be successful academically?

Mother: Yes, those are things that are essential for her and that she has struggled every school year with.

Principal: Perhaps we can take a look at your daughter's day and see when the main instructional periods are, and when the main times of social interaction are. It may be that kids will treat her more normally if she has several people teaming up to help her at various times, rather than one person who sticks with her all day like a baby-sitter.

Mother: I'd be willing to take a look at that and see how it might work.

When we join, there are profound effects both on ourselves and on the other party. If we are successful, we get back an increased appreciation of where they are coming from; we understand their point of view, even if we hold different views ourselves. We also can better understand what will work in order to persuade the others to come to agreement.

From the point of view of the other party, our actions may be even more profound. They begin to feel that they are understood and more importantly that perhaps we are a bit more like them. As people come to feel that they are more like each other, it becomes more difficult to attack, because it becomes like attacking oneself. Resistance and argumentativeness depend upon separateness. There must be a you and a me. The more you are like me, the more you understand me, the more I become hard to single out as an other and therefore hard to attack. There becomes no one on whom to focus aggression, and the door is opened for cooperation.

The overall goal of all joining strategies is to help another to feel understood and listened to, and for us to truly understand another's wants and needs.

1. Listen intently and actively.

2. Acknowledge the strength of their position.

3. Acknowledge the validity of their feelings.

6. Apologize if it is appropriate to do so.

7. Use humor.

8. Change the timing or take a break.

9. Use Yes.....and, rather than yes...but.

10. Ask questions that elicit a yes response.

11. Make a "language change" from you to us.

This is a fundamentally important skill, as we have indicated in section four. Someone once said that the only reason most people ever listen is because they have to wait until it is their turn to talk. We must do far better than that. Good listening enables us to truly understand the other, as well as send them a clear message that we understand. Separation is lessened and joining occurs.

Teacher: I'm so discouraged. People don't even say hello to each other in the hall anymore when we pass each other. Itís as if the school year gets darker and more depressing the longer it goes on, and no one has the energy to do anything about it.

Principal: Wow, it sounds like things are feeling pretty bad to you right now. It seems like you're experiencing a lack of friendliness in even the most common interactions, and no one has the energy to change. What do you think can be done?

Everyone wants to be right, strong, and powerful, just as everyone wants to be heard. Instead of looking for holes and weaknesses in the other's position, look for their strengths and acknowledge those...we'll have to deal with the strong aspects of their point of view eventually, anyway.

Parent: I know my rights!

Special Education Teacher: You have some powerful laws going for you which give you substantial rights, and ultimately give rights to your children, too!

Many times it's not enough to acknowledge or comment in a dispassionate way. People can be passionate about what they believe and if we ignore those passions we risk appearing aloof and not truly understanding or sympathetic. Imagine if a teacher storms up to you and says, "I've absolutely had it with Jimmy. I can't stand to have him in my class one more day!" Trying to explain Jimmy's good points at this juncture may only make the teacher angrier. Her feelings first need to be validated.

We've already learned that much more occurs in communication than just words. Oftentimes, we can observe good friends in conversation and notice that they have become like one another; each has an elbow resting on the table, the crossed legs mirror one another; their posture and their tone of voice are similar. We can help others accept us more by paying attention to and gently (not clumsily or obviously) matching nonverbals and paraverbals.

Acknowledge them as a person

Sometimes there are opportunities to acknowledge a person outside of the topics of discussion. "You got some great hits in the softball game last night" may not be related to the child's IEP, but it may go a long way in building a willingness to cooperate.

Apologize if it is appropriate to do so

We have noticed that it is relatively rare for someone to sincerely apologize. It takes strength of character and a solid ego to admit wrong. For those of us interested in joining, all the better to apologize when it is appropriate. A well worded apology sends a powerful message to others that we hear their concerns and are responsive to them.

Sometimes, we really did nothing wrong but the whole situation is a disaster. An apology about the lousy way things are going sometimes is very effective.

Parent: I can't believe that my daughter still has four credits to earn before she can graduate. The printouts we've gotten from the school for the last six months have said she has only two credits to go!

Administrator: I'm really sorry this happened. It must be incredibly frustrating to think you are two credits away from graduation and then find out the amount is actually doubled! I'm the one who is ultimately responsible for not catching this sooner. I can't change the state's credit law, but maybe there is something we can figure out which can help soften the blow of all this.

If you can find something that everyone can laugh at, let it fly! Laughter brings people together, reduces stress, lightens the mood, and a one minute belly laugh is the equivalent of 25 sit-ups! Of course, humor which only one side finds funny or which puts down others is best avoided.

Careful observation can let us know when people are getting squirmy, which indicates discomfort. If we're aware of those nonverbal communication "signals" and can respond to them, we can help others feel that we know them and care about their needs.

We're always amazed at how predictable people can be when someone says something they disagree with. 99% of the time, the first two words out of their mouths will be "Yes, but..." It's an automatic script almost everyone seems to have. We can powerfully change this script by replacing the "but" with "and". This simple change acknowledges another's point, even while making room for our own.

Teacher: Portfolios are a waste of time for special education students! They will never earn a Certificate of Mastery!

Principal: Yes, and I believe that even if they don't, the organizational skills they gain may be of value to them in the future.

Ask questions to elicit a "yes" response.

Every time someone answers in the affirmative, it is a subtle joining with us. Many times there are two ways to begin to discuss an issue: one will elicit a response in the negative, and the other in the positive. For example: "Are you happy with the way the bus schedule works getting Jill to school?" (No!) "Do you think itís important to work out a bus schedule that works for everyone?" (Yes!)

Starting a sentence with "you" has an almost automatic "finger pointing" quality to it. "You should have...." It creates a duality, a separation between people. The more sentences can start with "us" or "we", the more we are using the language of cooperation and togetherness. (We have utilized this principle in our language choices throughout this training manual.)

Sometimes during negotiation or conflict resolution the focus can become lost or diffused. This is sometimes referred to as "getting on the cross-town bus". We've inadvertently hopped on a bus that is taking us way across town, out of the direction of our intended destination. There are specific techniques to use when it is necessary to redirect the process:

1. Appropriate summarizing

2. Normalization

3. Generate a hypothesis to explore

4. Move the discussion from the past to the future

5. Perform a relevancy check

A verbal summary, emphasizing the important (i.e. "on track" point) can be a useful tool. However, there is even greater power in writing down. What is written down tends to become the focus of discussion, particularly when it is done where everyone can see it. We can write on a flip chart or even on a hand-pad that others can see. By our choice of words and the focus on certain topics or threads, we can go a long ways towards appropriate focusing of a session.

People can sometimes get stuck on a point or issue and almost become obsessed with it...it seems big, unique, and unsolvable. For example, a parent whose child is well behind in credits and not at all motivated to go to school becomes stuck on the issue that if her daughter doesn't get a high school diploma, her life will be ruined. In such a situation, there can be a sense of hopelessness and despair, and a perceived narrowing of options. It can be very helpful to say something along the lines of:

"Well, there are at least 45 other kids who are in a very similar situation to your daughter. It might help us to look at what they are doing because there sure are a lot of them; it's actually a very common situation that some high schoolers find themselves in at this time every year." The discussion can then be broadened to include alternatives such as a G.E.D., work, enrollment in community college, enrollment in an alternative school, etc.

This is sometimes referred to as the "I wonder" strategy. "I wonder what would happen if...." "I wonder, if we were to ...., then what do you suppose....". The hypothesis we create is designed to help move people in an appropriate problem-solving direction.

Sometimes, people are not so much "off topic" as just getting stuck on a detail or other irrelevant point. In this case, here is a good relevancy check statement: "I'm wondering, is this discussion helping us to go in the direction we need to be going? If not, perhaps we could.......".

The strategies below are listed in order of energy and time needed to carry them out. A reminder: the wise problem solver uses the "lightest touch" necessary.

When we use the Teflon technique, we hear the emotional content but we choose to just let it slide off us. We listen well, but don't respond verbally. Perhaps we just acknowledge with a nod. Many times, what we ignore passes. It may very well be that they just needed to get something off their chest.

People get emotional because they feel something uniquely bad is happening to them. It goes a long way to help people understand that what they are feeling is common and that it happens to lots and lots of people. It also is important to let people know that we understand how they feel.

Sometimes people can become emotional without realizing the divisive and damaging effects on a problem solving process. It can sometimes help to interject a dose of rationality in the process in the form of a "reality check". This type of reality check differs from a reframing reality check in that we are asking if the emotion being expressed is helpful to the process. It takes some skill to utilize this type of reality check without it sounding like an attack or a judgment, but it can be very powerful when done correctly.

"I've been observing that every time he mentions changing the after-school arrangements your head goes down, your arms fold, you shake your head "no"...and then the conversation stops. I'm wondering if you're noticing this at all and whether or not you think it's helping us get where we need to go."

If we're at this point, we've concluded that there will be no more problem solving done until the emotions being expressed are dealt with further. This situation can occur even though the parties have already been given at least one opportunity to tell their story. It will be necessary to divert from the problem solving structure in order to give a further opportunity to process their feelings about the situation or events that have been emotionally upsetting and are still getting in the way. It's important to stay in control of the structure even as we open up into an honest emotional space. For example we may say, "This is obviously important."

With the other's permission, I'd like to stop brainstorming and hear the 5 minute (10 minute, 1 minute) version of what happened to you, and then we might discuss it for a few more minutes".

It also may help to create closure by writing the core complaints on a flip chart and then giving people the opportunity to read or otherwise give value to them.

When we feel that the people we are working with are just not "getting it" in terms of understanding and dealing with essential facts of a case, it may be time to try to act as an angel of reality. Essentially, our next baby step becomes helping people see the situation more clearly. This is done not by berating, putting down or accusing but by educating. When we are sure of our facts, we are doing others a favor by informing them. The question is, how can we best accomplish this?

1. Questions to make people think or challenge them:

2. Questions to gather, clarify, or provide information:

3. Questions which have a "reality check" quality:

4. Questions which include factual content which educates:

"I'm a bit confused here. I see that there is $45,000 available but it must be divided among fourteen programs. What do you think is the most equitable....."

5. Questions which reveal your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (your BATNA).

"I wonder how long a court order would take to obtain?"

6. Questions which cast doubt upon an assumption:

"Did he give you a guarantee that you would win if this goes to a fair hearing?

It's always good to remember that educating can be a two way street. If we are open and listening well, as we have encouraged throughout this training, we may find that others may act as angels of reality for us as well. We very well may end up re-thinking some of our positions.